2016 NFL Predictions: Week Nine

Last week’s record: 5 right, 8 wrong (0.385)

Overall record: 63 right, 57 wrong (0.525)

Well, the coin toss thing didn’t work out. I am losing interest, too, so the rest of this season may be a train wreck for predictions. Cam Newton is whining about getting hit hard and after growing up watching guys get destroyed on the football field and having to just live with the occasional bad call by the referee, today’s NFL pales in comparison. Plus, I can’t watch the Lions in my area EVER because I didn’t get the satellite dish, so what’s the point? I know, I know… I could watch other nationally televised games, but that would mean watching Cleveland, Cincinnati, or Green Bay, or whatever. To my one or two readers, one of whom came here by mistake, I apologize if the quality of my writing suffers. I can see why the NFL is losing in the ratings.

I saw that some people were calling for Lions coach Jim Caldwell to get fired. I’m so sick of it. It’s like a broken record. The Lions lose and the coach needs to get fired. Who do they think is going to come to Detroit if Caldwell is fired? John Harbaugh?

Hmmm… John Harbaugh…

Well, here we go. Home teams are in capitals and the scores are predicted for fun only and don’t count in my right/wrong count.

Thursday, November 3

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 16, Atlanta Falcons 14: I don’t know much about these two teams. But I do know the Bucs have cooler looking helmets.

Sunday, November 6

Detroit Lions 12, MINNESOTA VIKINGS 9: Thank you, Matt Prater! Yes, I know I’m dreaming picking the Lions here. I’d just like them to win so the whiny fans can shut up about Jim Caldwell.

NY GIANTS 32, Philadelphia Eagles 28: This should be a good one.

MIAMI DOLPHINS 13, NY Jets 10: Dolphins at home.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 45, Jacksonville Jaguars 3: Look for a rout here. Remember when the Jags were considered a team on the rise? Okay, me neither.

Dallas Cowboys 44, CLEVELAND BROWNS 6: The humiliation continues. I would LOVE to see Cleveland fight it out and win this one, I really would. But they are just horrible.

Pittsburgh Steelers 6, BALTIMORE RAVENS 3: I think the Steelers will find a way to win it.

New Orleans Saints 49, SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 13: Ugh. Somebody is going to actually watch this game.

L.A. RAMS 30, Carolina Panthers 28: I don’t know why I’m picking the Rams here. I see that Newton had a talk with Roger the Commissioner about getting hit to hard. I’m sure the Rams loved that news story.

GREEN BAY PACKERS 24, Indianapolis Colts 20: Just what the doctor ordered for the Packers: The Indianapolis Colts! GO COLTS! I’m still picking the Pack.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 22, Tennessee Titans 17: Yeah, I’ve got nothing for this one.

OAKLAND RAIDERS 27, Denver Broncos 19: I know the Raiders are going to be excited to take a shot at the champs. I think they win this one at home.

Monday, November 7

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 24, Buffalo Bills 23: This ought to be a good game! It’s Monday Night Football, and if the Lions aren’t playing, I’m sleeping! Zzzzz….

That’s all for this week, folks! I’ll try to do better next time! Or maybe I won’t!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016 NFL Predictions: Week Eight

Last week’s record: 7 right, 8 wrong (0.467)

Overall record: 58 right, 49 wrong (0.542)

Well, last week was chock full of bad picks. But those ones were very hard to pick! Some should have been easy… Okay, they were just plain bad picks. I should not have picked Chicago to beat Green Bay. I should not have picked Jacksonville.

Oh, well.

I might as well just pick by doing coin tosses this week! Let’s see if I do better. I did this once before. It’s a real gimmicky way to do my picks and it’s an easy post to write, quite frankly. Like the fella once said, “I got shit to do!”

Well, here we go! Scores, as always, are for fun, and don’t count in the right/wrong tally afterward.

Heads home team, tails away team.

Thursday, October 27

Jacksonville Jaguars 19, TENNESSEE TITANS 16: Tails! Off to an awful start! Can I do better than a coin? Maybe, maybe not!

Sunday, October 30

Washington Redskins 9, CINCINNATI BENGALS 6: Tails! God, this is awful! Bloody awful! This one’s in London, by the way.

Kansas City Chiefs 34, INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 20: Tails again! That’s three in a row! The head must be heavier! It’s the quarter with Harper’s Ferry on the back.

CAROLINA PANTHERS 27, Arizona Cardinals 24: Heads! This should be a good game. Yes, I know that they both kind of suck. I didn’t say I was going to watch it!

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 13, Oakland Raiders 12: Heads again! Brutal!

Seattle Seahawks 23, NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 21: Tails!

HOUSTON TEXANS 20, Detroit Lions 19: Damn! Heads! Hopefully this coin is incorrect.

BUFFALO BILLS 19, New England Patriots 17: Hahahaha!!!! Heads! Brutal.

CLEVELAND BROWNS 16, NY Jets 13: Heads again! Oh, man. Brutal.

DENVER BRONCOS 19, San Diego Chargers 18: In a twist of fate, my daughter came and took my Harper’s Ferry coin and lost it under the fridge! This new coin with the classic Bald Eagle is off to a rip roaring start. Heads!

Green Bay Packers 25, ATLANTA FALCONS 23: Tails!

DALLAS COWBOYS 24, Philadelphia Eagles 23: Heads it is!

Monday, October 31

Minnesota Vikings 34, CHICAGO BEARS 3: Tails! Go Vikings!

Well, those are my picks! With picks like the Bills over the Patriots and the Bucs over the Raiders, you know I really flipped those damn coins! Enjoy the games if you have the big satellite tv provider that bought the NFL or actually live in the area where your favorite team is!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016 NFL Predictions: Week 7 (Pt. 2)

Last week’s record: 8 right, 7 wrong (0.533)

Overall record: 51 right, 41 wrong (o.554)

Why did I pick the Bears to beat the Packers? Well, they were still in it until Hoyer went down to an injury. Oh, well. I’d better play it safe with the rest of my picks this week. Oh, except for picking the Jets with Geno Smith. That’s right!

The Lions beat the Rams! They are .500! They have a tough three coming up with Washington, Houston, and Minnesota. I think they can take two of those. Guess which one I don’t think they’ll win? I hope I’m wrong and they take all three.

Well, let’s get to it! I have to go eat some cereal and watch cartoons! Like always, scores are not counted in my right/wrong picks, just the outcome.

Thursday, October 20

I already got this one wrong. The Packers won it. Bah!

Sunday, October 23

L.A. RAMS 24, NY Giants 13: I think the Rams will win this one after the frustrating loss to Detroit. I think it’s cool that they are playing in Twickingham Stadium, too. I might actually watch this one! Or I might do the laundry instead.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 32, New Orleans Saints 28: This is a very tough one to pick. I think the Chiefs will win this in a close one after their win in Oakland last week. But the Saints are very good on offense. I think this would be a good one to watch for those of us who don’t subscribe to the moneybags satellite company that bought the NFL or those of us who have to watch the “Battle for Ohio” if we want to watch football this Sunday.

Minnesota Vikings 22, PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 10: I have a hunch I’m wrong on this one but I don’t know why. I know, how is all this expert football analysis I provide free of charge to you, the reader?

TENNESSEE TITANS 3, Indianapolis Colts 0: Exciting matches like this are why the ratings are so great this season!

Buffalo Bills 13, MIAMI DOLPHINS 6: I’m picking the Bills. Suh me.

I’m sorry about that joke.

DETROIT LIONS 41, Washington Redskins 10: REVENGE FOR 1991!

CINCINNATI BENGALS 35, Cleveland Browns -6: This game is for the “Battle for Ohio!” The Cleveland Browns… I almost feel sorry for them. But they have the NBA Champions and a baseball team in the World Series. So never mind.

slapfight

The Battle for Ohio

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 23, Oakland Raiders 21: Why am I picking the Jaguars? I have no idea.

NY JETS 14, Baltimore Ravens 13: I wouldn’t watch this game if they paid me. Okay, but only if they paid me at least three bucks.

ATLANTA FALCONS 33, San Diego Chargers 23: I don’t really know that much about these teams. I know that falcons can fly really fast and a charger can start up your car. That’s really about it. I guess I’ll go with the home team.

New England Patriots 39, PITTSBURGH STEELERS 6: My hatred for the Patriots compels me to pick Pittsburgh even though they don’t have Big Ben Roethlischeeseburger for this one, but I just don’t see it happening.  They have something called Laundry Jones in at quarterback. Even though their uniforms will probably be April fresh, I don’t see how that helps them against a disciplined, annoyingly proficient and professional New England Patriots team.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 17, SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 10: What the hell happened to the 49ers? Oh, yeah.

harbaugh

Great coach, right there. GREAT coach.

Seattle Seahawks 27, ARIZONA CARDINALS 13: Enjoy this Sunday night matchup, people in Seattle and Arizona and other Americans with nothing better to do!

Monday, October 23

DENVER BRONCOS 22, Houston Texans 15: I can’t wait to find out who becomes the “Gruden Grinder” at the conclusion of this game! Just kidding.

Well, those are the picks! The Panthers and Cowboys have a week off to contemplate the meaning of life. They’ll be back next week with a cockiness and attitude custom made for frustrating conservative sports columnists everywhere.

Enjoy the games and don’t drink and drive.

 

 

 

 

 

The Manic Depressive Detroit Lions Fan’s 2016 NFL Predictions, Week Six

Last week’s record: 8 right, 6 wrong (0.571) 

Overall record: 43 right, 34 wrong (0.558)

I know we’re one game in for week six, but I had stuff to do and only wrote the pick for Thursday, I think on Thursday. It was wrong. I sort of dismissed the Chargers as being bad (they probably are, I didn’t pay that satellite company so I didn’t see the game) and said the Denver defense would prevail. Oh, well. The Chargers were due for a win. Good for the Bolts!

Last week, we had house guests and were quite busy, so I didn’t catch much football. The New England Patriots vs. The Cleveland Browns were my only choice, so I didn’t watch much. Tom Brady rifled a ball into the end zone at one point and it zipped by two defenders of the receiver, right smack into the receiver’s hands. Tom Brady is amazing. I felt bad for the Browns. They lost another quarterback, too. Wait, the Browns need to be stopped! They could close in on tying the Detroit Lions for most losses in a season!

016

That night, we were taking the kids to see Peppa Pig LIVE!, so I didn’t see any of the later games. However, earlier in the day I was following my Lions. After complaining and whining about how bad they were all the previous week after the embarrassing loss to Chicago, they jumped out to a 14-0 lead on the Philadelphia Eagles. Instantly, I was happy. It’s amazing that after all this time, the Detroit Lions can affect my mood so much. Of course, I couldn’t watch it on my television because I refuse to pay that satellite company who bought the rights to all the games. Yes, that’s the reason I switched to cable.

Which backfired on me, because supposedly TIME WARNER can’t get me NHL Center Ice OR NBA League Pass “in my area” yet. What the hell is wrong with all these cable and satellite companies? Come on, man!  I guess I will get those and stream them through the wifi and hope they don’t get glitchy.

I digress. We got to the theater for the big Peppa Pig show and all the while we’re in line I was checking the phone to see what was going on. They hung on and won when Darius Slay intercepted a pass late. Thank you, Lions! I take back all the smack talk from last week! You are surely SUPER BOWL BOUND!

kool aid lions

I ran into a Philadelphia Eagles fan in the lobby and he recognized me as a Detroit fan by my jacket. “Your team beat my team today!” he said.

“Yeah, I thought you guys would crush the Lions! We really got lucky,” I replied.

“Well, the Lions needed a break,” he said.

Philadelphia Eagles fans. They know what it’s like to suffer.

By the way, the Lions are lucky to have Matthew Stafford. I am glad he’s the Lions quarterback. He’s tough. It’s a trait a Lions quarterback has got to have.

staff

I love it. He’s tough like Eric Hipple. I am serious about the Lions retiring Eric Hipple’s number, by the way. It’s the least the Lions can do after the punishing beatings he took on a regular basis for the team. Don’t talk to me about stats, I ain’t hearing it!

There ought to be some kind of stat for toughness and/or fearlessness.

I could go on about Eric Hipple for a while, but let’s get to the week six picks:

Thursday, October 13

I picked the Broncos to beat the Chargers in San Diego. I was wrong. Oh, well…

Sunday, October 16

Cincinnati Bengals 33, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 31: This pick is nuts. But I’m picking the Bengals anyway.

Cleveland Browns 23, TENNESSEE TITANS 21: I know, this is a crazy pick. I just have a feeling the Browns will somehow eke out a win. I don’t know how, but that’s my pick.

Pittsburgh Steelers 23, MIAMI DOLPHINS 3: Gee, I feel so bad for Ndamukong Suh. Enjoy all those millions, big fella.

 

Philadelphia Eagles 30, WASHINGTON REDSKINS 28: This one is for the Eagles fan at the Peppa Pig LIVE show who was so nice to a Lions fan and for long suffering Eagles fans everywhere. GO EAGLES!

CHICAGO BEARS 17, Jacksonville Jaguars 13: The Bears are desperate. But yes, Hoyer is a better QB than Cutler. I think the Bears players are more eager to play with Hoyer as their quarterback. The knock on Cutler is that he’s kind of a jerk. I don’t know, I have always admired his toughness on the football field. Yes, that’s right, toughness. But I have a hunch that Hoyer is a better leader.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 44, Carolina Panthers 31: I like the Saints here.

NY GIANTS 24, Baltimore Ravens 9: Leave Odell Beckham alone. The team can afford to buy 1,000 of those kicking nets. I always end up being a fan of players who won’t conform and be another cog in the machine. Express yourself, Odell!

DETROIT LIONS 34, LA Rams 12: ONE PRIDE! GO LIONS!

BUFFALO BILLS 13, San Francisco 49ers 12: This ought to be a surprisingly close one.

OAKLAND RAIDERS 42, Kansas City Chiefs 35: I do like the Raiders. I’ve written it before, but I think the league is better when the Raiders are good. I dig the attitude. I wonder why that is!

raiders

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 23, Atlanta Falcons 13: There’s a big buzz about the Falcons, but I think the Hawks win at that big, loud arena they have up there in Seattle.

Dallas Cowboys 26, GREEN BAY PACKERS 17: That’s right! In the Battle of Teams I Hate, I am picking the Cowboys. The Packers just aren’t as good as everyone would like to believe and the Cowboys are better than everyone would like to believe. But I believe it’s possible I could be wrong.

HOUSTON TEXANS 20, Indianapolis Colts 9: I don’t understand the Houston Texans. But why would I? I don’t really care about them. Anyway, I usually pick wrong with them so I am going with them against a bad Colts team.

Monday, October 17

ARIZONA CARDINALS 17, NY Jets 16: Cardinals in a close one. I’ll be sleeping, dreaming of a Lions Super Bowl that will never come… until 2017, BABY!!!!

It’s fun being crazy.

The Mighty Minnesota Vikings and Tampa Bay Bucs have the week off. Enjoy the games and please don’t drink and drive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016 NFL Predictions: Thursday Night Football

Thursday Night Football… does anyone really watch this besides the two teams’ fans? Not me! Well, I have been busy this week, so I’m only going to put down my Thursday Night Football prediction here and get back to the rest of the picks later.

Thursday, October 13

Denver Broncos 26, SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 17: This ought to be a good game. Denver’s defense should prevail. Plus, the Chargers don’t seem to be all that good.

More later!